Trust.

Hello, my loves!

A fresh blog post after a long long time.

I’m having again this feeling, when I don’t know if the post will have any sense at the end, if there’s gonna be any value for you in it, if it’s gonna be worth your time… but I’m going to trust that since I feel the urge to write that this is now the most perfect thing for me to do, no matter the outcomes on my or on your side.

So, moving forward in trust. As I type and as an ongoing theme in my life. It’s probably a theme in your life as well. Trust.

Once I was pitching my business idea to a person, that could help me move it forward. As I explained to him some details, he asked why I would think it would work. “Trust,” I said. He said it isn’t enough. That it’s too soft. You cannot explain it to investors.

At the time I felt that maybe he was right… yet on the other hand, I wouldn’t even trust business people who don’t get that the trust is the most important ingredient of the business. Yes, we are working with humans and they can disappoint you. I trusted before and I’ve been disappointed. Even worse, people trusted me and I’ve disappointed them.

But you cannot move forward if you don’t trust. Trust that the next opportunity is right for you, if you feel it in your guts. Trust yourself that what you feel is real. Trust that you can decide what is right for you. Trust that if it turns out it wasn’t right, that you can make the best out of circumstances and move forward.

I used to sell 3 Ptice ecofriendly accessories on art markets, on streets. People sometimes made custom orders and paid upfront. There, on the street. Without any guarantee, that they would receive the product from me. And they saw me for the first time in their life. That was trust.

Interesting. Mmm, I wrote something delicious in my journal a few weeks ago… It’s connected with trust.

“I wish that all that happened to you

wouldn’t box you in a belief

that this is just the way the life is,

but instead I wish it encourages you,

to ask how it can be different,

how it can get better.”

 

So, this is my message for today. Tomorrow I will tell you in which areas of my life I am currently asking these questions and what were the results of asking them before.

Much love,

 

Anita

As a child I sometimes felt like a ping pong ball between my mother and father.

They didn’t want to talk with each other sometimes, so I went from one to another and told what the other one say and ask if it’s true.

And I would repeat it countless times to figure out what is the truth.

At times I would conclude that they are both idiots, haha, overcomplicating things, when actually what we all wanted was to be loved and do things together.

At times I felt like a victim because of these circumstances in my life and I am not denying they affected me and shaped me as a person.

But today I feel grateful for this. Because when I see two opposing sides fighting each other I can see both through the eyes of love and worthy of my love, even when I don’t agree with them (not that I am perfect, but every time I practice I get better at it).

ANTIPERSONAL BRAND

She is a (anti)personal brand. When she dies, she won’t be able to enjoy her legacy that’s why she does not care much about it now. She wants a life well lived. Maybe this could be a legacy? Well, fuck it, she is sick of listening about personal branding, niching, legacy, authority, so she will stop thinking about these things.

Otherwise she is holding the space for the planet of peace and freedom. And humans beings being human beings to human beings.

Her career started when she was born. She didn’t cry a lot because she was mostly observing this strange world she was put in. She is still super good at observing. But she cries way more.

After studying fashion design she got sick of fashion, mindless consumerism and new riches (and wannabes) buying status symbols to show off. She got even more sick of fast fashion and its effect on the world. Disgusting. She still buys two pairs of cheap shoes per year. Not hippie enough to walk barefoot all the time. Otherwise she wears secondhand and vintage clothes.

She gave up her philosophy studies, left the university and disappointed her mother all in the attempt to study life directly through living it. If she would continue her studies, she would be the top student in the class, as always. She went to spiritual university instead where she learned about microcosmos and macrocosmos and often fell asleep during the meditation.

Fashion called her back. She started a brand of eco-friendly accessories called 3 Ptice in 2012 with zero support from family. Okay, she got roof over the head, but no emotional support. In fact, everybody was saying to her that she won’t make it with this and expected from her to always be available for their requests, because she is working from home, after all.

Well sooner or later she started sending her accessories from little village in little Slovenia all over the world. Thanks to all the amazing customers who enjoy quality, uniqueness and don’t just chase status symbols.
After countless failures she started actually living from her little business, paid most of her debts, had a lot of fun, spent lots of time on the road and hell lot of a time behind the sewing machine listening to countless hours of TED talks, lectures on psychology, human mind, philosophy, business, mindset, spirituality etc.

Oh, she also moved her studio to Fürstova Hiša, a place in the nearest tiny town called Ptuj, where she enjoyed the company of other starving artists trying to serve the citizens who come to exhibitions mostly to dress up a bit and drink free wine (she likes free wine too).
She was organising markets with handmade and secondhand goods there.

She was occasionally taking on other jobs like selling books and working in production. She really enjoyed quitting both of those. However, bosses still wanted her back because she is a really good worker until she starts to feel that she is losing her life and mind capacity for mediocrity.
Oh, she also enjoyed working for Art Stays Festival of Contemporary Art where she did all kinds of stuff and had lots of fun. She kinda likes art that she doesn’t get.

Year 2016. Everything went well, she finally moved away from her mama, meant to hire an assistant to focus more of her time on writing (oh, she started her blogging career in 2007 pretending she is Carrie from Sex and The City).
And then she burned out.
She couldn’t work anymore. Well, she could if she could but couldn’t get herself to it. She was sleeping for 13 hours and staring to the ceiling.
She hated herself for being such a lazy bitch. She lived in guilt, shame and hiding.
When she wasn’t sleeping or forcing herself to do at least enough of sales to buy food, she tried everything to put herself back together.
She realised she is insane.

If she would be American she would call this time of her life spiritual awakening and made lots of money out of it. She’s working on it.

She saw Dark Goddess, she smelled the devil, she had prophetic dreams, she enjoyed the kingdom of heaven within for hours, she had episodes of being super clairvoyant, she saw the promise of divine feminine and masculine coming together in the sky and creating the new earth. Kundalini experiences, yeah, not her favourite thing in the world but still kinda fun hanging out with Ganesh and Buddha while light is flashing through your body and it feels like you are going to die.

She came in touch with coaching and realised this is her dream career. She could finally be paid for what she was doing for free all these years (people almost always pay her a drink because she is somebody that really listens to them, understands them and gives them life-changing feedback). Because she is born with it. She got into every course she could or couldn’t afford to learn even more. Still does. She is happy that what she loves and is naturally good at and cannot stop learning and researching about is now her career.

And she learned that she is not meant to work hard, but is here to provide people with guidance. If they ask her. Thanks Human Design. She always knew that but thought she is crazy, because everybody was preaching hard work to her.

She wrote this on her behalf, speaking about herself in 3rd person like narcissists do (even though she kinda doesn’t believe in narcissism) and she is going to stop now because she is starting to think how to thread in how freaking amazing and high evolved she is and how you must work with her in order to have more fun in life).

She is brutally honest (she reads you) and also one of the kindest and the most sunshiny person ever (she sees the best version of you). Both of these qualities make most people uncomfortable, but those who are willing to live on a whole new level will pay her big bucks to have a chance to speak with her. Can I get an amen? A men! Btw, she works with men and women and transgender.

Message her.
Anita Pukšič

Nope. I did not wake up early to make my man a sandwich.

I laugh on the inside, with a smile on my face, Pulaski at night on my ears, on repeat, dreams I dream long times ago coming into my memory and fading away.
I look pigeons at the neighbor’s roof. I wonder why morning or evening mist sometimes smells like an incense in a church.

Mmmm, this is why I woke up early.
To meditate. To make my art. To observe. To laugh. To listen to Pulaski at night on repeat.

.

“Let me wake up ten minutes earlier,” I said to my boyfriend. He secretly changed my alarm, because he wanted us to wake up at the same time. “I want to be alone in the kitchen in the morning, to make myself coffee without your mother asking me if the reason I woke up so early is to make you a sandwich.”
“Tell her next time that you woke up so early, because you have work to do, like the rest of us. She will be pleased to hear this.”

.

When I was six year old, I meant to brush my teeth, but I couldn’t get the toothpaste out of the tub. I took a razor that was lying there on washing machine and cut the tub. Plus my finger. The blood came out. I needed a plaster. What if mum will be angry at me when I come to her for a plaster? ‘What were you doing?!’ She will be mad. What story should I come up with? What happened to me?
Hmmm, but what if I tell the truth? I did nothing wrong. Why would I lie?
I decided that day that I won’t lie anymore. That I’m gonna speak the truth.
I broke this rule a few times in my teenage years, but otherwise is still something I live by.
Sometimes I don’t speak the truth because sometimes I rather stay silent.
That day, when I was around six and told my mum the truth, I realised that truth really does set you free. It was such a light feeling. I felt relieved I don’t have to make up a story and waste time trying to not get caught on a lie.

.

This morning in the kitchen I stayed mostly silent.
How to explain to 60+ somebody, who lived the life as she was taught, that I choose to live the life in another way? How to tell her that by me choosing differently, I don’t try to make her wrong?

.

I didn’t say I woke up earlier because I have to work.
I woke up earlier because of myself. I woke up earlier to make my art before anything else. I woke up earlier to have time for myself before anything else.
I woke up earlier to work on my art, which isn’t even work. It’s sitting here, typing the words. Looking at the distance, observing blocks of thoughts falling on it’s place. Going with the flow. Not even knowing what will come out of this. Not even knowing exactly what am I trying to say.

.

What am I trying to say?
Ah, I laugh at myself.
There is no one way. I don’t have the answers on how people should live. Let them live.
If my boyfriend’s mother thinks preparing a sandwich to her man in the morning is love in action, all I can do is let her live her way, let her live her version of love. It’s her life. Her art.

.

This is what I was trying to say. Not to have a point to prove. I just wanted to talk about art.
How much I love art.
I love how my perceptions of the world are changed through it.
I love how some other person put their life, their thoughts, their love, their emotions, their observations, their creative energy into a piece of work that expands my horizons.

I love how I don’t get it.
Oooh, I love how sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I cannot think. My body-mind goes blank. I feel spacious. There’s more space around me and I float in it. And then I expand myself again.

Sometimes there are no words to find. Like that time, when I was driving with those crazy people I currently work on a project with.
She was driving her car with green leather gloves on, like she came from some movie. Who drives the car with gloves on?
He put on a CD with fucking Bruckner and we were listening to it at a full volume.
The landscape I know so well and love so much was passing by.
I felt grateful to share the experience of driving in a car, through beautiful landscape, listening to classical music with other human beings.
It was that deep rich sense of gratitude that you can almost touch. The feeling of gratitude you feel when you live one of your dreams, when you experience it in your body.
The music kept on playing and my sight went from the outer landscape to my inner landscapes (where is the border, anyway?). The sound was going through my stomach, through my womb, through my arms. I was crying. ‘Why do you cry?’ I asked myself. ‘I don’t know why, I just cry’.
It was something beyond thoughts.

And it was beautiful. And so real.

“There seems to be a perception of thinking that when you are talking about something real you have to either tone it down or make it look a bit grey. I always think that you can have great truth in great beauty – the two things go naturally together.” – Paolo Sorrentino

I love how art of somebody else influences me. I love how in art of somebody else I find myself. I love how understood I feel by it. I love how I find myself and upgrade myself through it. I love this sex of minds, that spiritual-sexual-natural-life (isn’t it all the same thing?) energy exchanged that takes place through art. I love how I take my pleasure out of it.

I love how I fall and rise in deeper sense of beauty and truth through art.
I love how rich I feel thanks to art.

I love how my walk through the fields is art itself. It’s something so beautiful. So rich with nature. So rich with thought forms of my mind that finally get enough space to be. So rich with inner peace and stillness. So rich with excitement. So rich with beauty. So rich with truth that I yet don’t know but can sense it. Haha, I am trying to explain it, because I am trying to share with you, this piece of my life that is pure art, but as I am explaining it, I am kinda losing it, like water slipping through my fingers.

Maybe we don’t need to share all of our thoughts, all of our truth, all of our art.
Maybe sometimes is enough to just enjoy it.
Maybe sometimes is enough to be an art, an artist and my own audience and have it all for myself. Just like god.

.
It’s time for me to take a walk on the wild side, to experience those fields on a whole new day, on a whole new level once again.

All I want for birthday is…

“Happy Birthday,” she said. “What do you wish for? Probably a job?”
“No, mum, I don’t want a regular job.”
“But this way you would have a regular income and not be without money like you are.”
Akward silence on my site.
“Okay, we won’t talk about that.”
Thanks god, I don’t want to talk with you about that.

And then she started talking about how she forgot her phone in a garage yesterday and how did she find it, or something like that, while I was searching web for the best option for us to go to Vienna on 31st of May, for the Vienna Philharmonic Sommernachtskonzert. Because I know she wants to experience this and because I want to experience this, because it’s gonna be epic fun and beauty and because I am so grateful to her that she enjoys classical music and that through her joy I fell in love with it too.

But I’m not sure if she is gonna be able to go, because she has a fucking regular job in which she works quite often on Saturdays and Sundays, yet she is still afraid to ask for two days off. Gosh, I am getting a bit pissed of here at my mum and whole fucking system…

But let me share, what do I wish for, what do I want for my birthday, my life, by the next birthday of mine…

I want to keep on working the way I want, with the people I want and who appreciate me and see my genius.
I want my mum to sit down with me someday and I want us to have a great conversation and I want her to see me for who I really am. For a genius that I am, for a peacemaker, for a person who speaks the truth, for a person who is daring greatly and isn’t afraid to show the world her shine, her tears (I’m crying like crazy now), her holy rage, her deepest love and compassion, her beautiful mind and a wild soul. I want my mum to see me and hear me and love me and stop caring about what others think about me and about her as mum, I want her to stop being ashamed of me and herself, when people ask her if I have a job already. I want her to tell them proudly that her daughter doesn’t have a job, that she has a life.

I wish that I keep on following my version of success. And in my version I have enough time for myself, for people I love, for long walks in nature, for playing with my dog, for consuming quality art and for diving deep into the dark light of my own consciousness. I am successful already by my own definition.

I wish I wouldn’t worry anymore about anyone elses opinion of who I should be. Not even my mums. I wish I would be so sovereign in my own being, in my own nature, in my own true essence, that I would follow it, live it, without hoping for others to approve of me and my actions.

I wish I would trust 100% that by doing what is best for me, I do best for everyone else. By being healthy as a particle, as one cell on this planet, I am taking care of everybody by taking care of myself, by being the best expression of me.

I wish I wouldn’t shy away and turn my light off, when men in the streets look at me and perceive me as an object of their desire. I wish, that I knew that because someone else perceive me as an object, that doesn’t mean I have to perceive myself the way others perceive me.
I wish I would stand in my power no matter what.

I wish I would be happy and that my predominant vibe is the vibe of inner peace, no matter what is going on. I want to expand into greater and greater peace. I want my inner queen and king to rule my inner kingdom of heaven with peace, unconditional love and infinite intelligence.

I wish I would paint those paintings I see bubbling up in me. I wish I would blow away all those opinions of what is art and what is not and just create because of the pure joy of creating.

I wish I would stop trying to find a label for myself, who I am and what I do. Writer? Coach? Painter? Poet? Fashion designer? Blogger? I am all of it and none of it and so much more. I am a fucking paradox in one person. I am black and white. Yin yang and tao itself.

I am born spiritual, I am born psychologist and philosopher, I am born artist, I am born as a space holder for peace that is unfolding on this planet.
I am born with desire, greed, ambition and hunger and I am using it in the way that serves me and everyone else.

I wish I would love me. All of me.

I wish I would let go of all the resentments that I still carry around, because I love myself so much that I don’t want to walk around with those arrows in my heart.

I wish that my inner girl, my inner child, is always proud of me, happy that I turned out into a grown up that didn’t forget the truth, into a grown up that let’s her inner child’s genius shine.
I wish that every time I look at myself in the mirror that I see the spark in my eyes, that beautiful spark that is there when I own my light and my dark at the same time.
I wish that when I show up somewhere, that people are happy to see me and I am happy to see them.
I wish the whole world feels like my home.
I wish that my heart feels like my home.

I wish that by this time next year my book is written and printed and I want to get notes from people, thanking me for writing it, because they finally feel like somebody gets them and they can be who they really are and be loved.

I wish I would see people as who they really are, I wish I would see their beauty underneath all masks and labels. I wish I would be always compassionate with the best in people and this way letting it shine.

I wish I would forgive easily and move on fast.

I wish I would always know, that I deserve the best, because I exist, that I don’t have to prove the worthiness of my existence with a statement on my bank account, hard work and how many important people I know.

I wish I would speak out the greatness that is within me, I wish I would speak my truth, I wish I would blow away all the fake modesty, all the ways I am making myself smaller, so that people would love me and I wouldn’t end up alone.
I wish I would blow all of this away and let myself shine my true self and be grateful for all the amazing people that love me for who I am, and let go of trying to prove myself to people who enjoy to see me fail, so they can be right about their perception of me and their pessimistic outlook on life.

I also wish to make shit tons of money my way and as the revenge love all those people who didn’t believe in me, “You see how good I am, bitchez?” 😀

I wish to stop taking myself so seriously and I want to laugh at myself when I fall into importance trap games those so called grown ups so much like to play.

And I also want friends that would prepare me a surprise birthday party.

This is what I want for my birthday, mum. And I wish I could tell to you how fucking grateful I am that you bore me, because I love this life so much and I see so much beauty in the world, and I receive so much love from the world everyday and I give so much love everyday and I wish I would open myself up more for even more love.

I wish you would see you raised a beautiful human being and that you didn’t fail as mum.

And you said you wish me that my secret wish would come true… my secret wish is that I could sit with you, my family, behind the table, having Sunday lunch and that I would actually feel as a part of the family. I wish I could share with you bits of my life, about what I do, what I work at, I wish I could share my successes and joy of life with you and you would be happy for me, even if you don’t really get it. I wish you would at least try to get it. With an open heart.

Do you feel like a burden? (Stories we tell ourselves and how to change them)

Guys, this is a really personal post. I wrote it two months ago in my online journal (in which I do mindset work and self-coaching mostly and keep track of my progress). Today, when I opened the journal to do some journaling, around my perceptions around support and being supported (will write about this later, because it’s super important and valuable), this page popped up. And I started reading it and was like whoaah… I wrote this in the first half of January, but I felt like it’s even further away. My perception of myself changed so much already. And what I receive from “outside” world changed as well. It’s interesting, that when I was writing the post bellow, I meant to post it, but I didn’t have guts to do it. I wasn’t ready yet. But today, I have this feeling that I gotta share it with you.

I would especially like that you are aware of the questions I am asking myself. The story, I was telling myself it’s just a story, and if I keep repeating it, I’m gonna get more of the same. But by telling it, I honour it, because story wants to be heard, and then by utilizing the power of questions, I start writing a new story for myself. And now I live that new story. It’s such a difference, I cannot even tell! How much more alive and confident I am.

Warning: this post can be triggering if you are playing the story patterns alike this one in your mind -> and it can also be super powerful and healing if you let it.

So, let’s go to my story, my journal entry from two months ago:

***

 

Ever since I was child I felt like an outsider. Never really fitting in no matter how much I tried.

I always felt the best when hanging out 1:1 with people, but as soon as there was one person extra, I started to feel like I don’t fit in.

My happiest memories are the times when I felt like I belong to larger groups. But those were just the moments and sooner or later I would start to feel like an outsider again.

Even in the same evening.

I started to feel like people don’t really like and that perhaps they are talking shit about me behind their backs.

I would start to look for an escape. How can I run away as fast as possible. But it’s usually unpolite to just run away so I would stay there, quiet, waiting for shit to be over as soon as possible. It became easier through the times to say that I am going now, yet still feeling a bit of hope that they would say “Please, stay, we enjoy your company.” And at the same time hoping they won’t ask any questions, because I would feel like I could burst into tears.

If someone in the group would start to talk about somebody or if the group would have some joke that I weren’t aware of, I would feel like the joke was on me. Did I say anything wrong at some point and I don’t remember it? Did I break any rule of the group? Are they trying to get rid of me?

I would then always try to be the most perfect member of the group, listening to everybody, making sure that everyone was included, trying to please everybody. If I would lose myself in the conversation with somebody, then I would feel guilty about people I didn’t include and I would apologise to them. Which I think is normal, of course.

 

But this sense of responsibility would sooner or later become a burden. Instead of enjoying the experience I would feel all sorts of emotions. Anger at myself because I am thinking all the time about how I am perceived. Anger at people around me because they don’t notice that I am there and give me a voice. Anger at people for turning to me when they need something or when they need someone to listen to them. Sometimes I would go to the toilet and breathe or do some quick rounds of EFT to build strenght and go back to the group only to feel like a wallflower again.

When I would really want to say something, because I would know 100% that it’s valuable, because I am good at seeing solutions, I would cough first and feel intense feelings in my body. When I would start to speak and get the attention of the group, I would feel like I need to tell my thing really fast so that I wouldn’t bother people with too much details. And then I would look down, afraid of checking in with the group if anyone sees how brilliant is my idea. Perhaps already feeling silly for even exposing myself. If I would get a compliment from the group leader, I would feel a burst of pride in myself and the half of a second later already the shame for even feeling the pride and sense of fear that everyone can see what’s going on in me.

Sometimes when I drinked wine I really started talking and couldn’t stop and then the next day I would feel like the worst person on the planet for wanting people to listen to me.

 

Even when I am celebrating my birthday with my family, I always feel like an outsider at the table.

 

Usually, when I go outside I must be in a really good mood, because I don’t want to bother anyone with my troubles. So people often see me as a sunshine, but when I am alone I am often depressed and asking myself what is wrong with me.

 

Why am I talking about this?

Because a few hours ago a question popped into my mind. I am really into coaching and I want to be a coach (trying out every technique, getting into every program I can afford and reading every possible book on the subject + using coaching on myself all the time) and the questions are the holy grail of coaching, really.

 

And the question was: if I would believe that my circumstances are the match for beliefs I have about myself, what are those beliefs considering my circumstances?

 

And the first answer was:

I am a parasite.

 

Harsh. I know.

 

Then I would remember that more aproppriate term for this in the psychology would be a burden.

 

Interesting, I often drew a tarot card with burden in the past year.

 

Anyway. When I look back through my childhood it becomes obvious how I got this belief.

A few examples:

My brother being angry at me because I wanted to hang out with him and his friends.

My mum saying “Why did I have to marry this man?! My life became shit when I met this guy.” “Hm, mum, if you wouldn’t be with him there would be no me and my brother…”

My mum freaking out because of all the things she had to pay and feeling scared because she couldn’t pay bill for the food in my school (which made me feel super guilty, because I didn’t like 60% percent of the food there and was often throwing it away, fucking sandwiches most of the time).

My mother not letting me go to birthday parties of classmates, because then she would have to buy a gift and because she didn’t want me to be a burden for somebody else and because then I would have to invite those kids back and that would be an extra burden for her.

Both mother and father telling me “Look how hard I work for you and you are so ungrateful and you are saying such and such things to me.”

My brother always being mad at me because I was more successful one and didn’t have to work as hard as him or at least not such hard things.

 

You get the picture.

 

How this belief manifested in my life? Besides social anxiety that I already kinda mentioned above.

I have a lot of debt. Even when I got out of it I got back into it very fast. Which is strong burden on me. And I feel like a burden for all the people I owe money. And feeling like a burden to people who owe me money.

I feel responsible for all the troubles of my family. Not that I caused them, but I feel responsible to solve them. Which is also a burden on me.

I sometimes don’t feel worthy of pleasure. Which makes me feel like I am a burden in the bed and can’t relax or I feel resentful for not getting the attention I want and feel like my partner is the burden.

I constantly feel overwhelmed, no matter how much is on my plate.

Now that I am living kinda half at my boyfriend’s parents house and half at my mother’s house, I feel at his place like I shouldn’t be in a sight to much. And when I go make myself coffee or something I feel like I am taking too much. I am feeling like a burden on their household.

In my business, I have troubles of charging what my products are worth, because I feel like I am doing something bad to people with taking their money / I am afraid of collaborating with people, because I don’t want to be burden for them or I am afraid of putting too much weight on my shoulders and being overwhelmed for the same reason.

I don’t want to ask for help, because it would crash me down and I would feel humiliated.

 

So, what I can do about this?

Well, some self coaching of course!

 

What would I feel like if would’t have this thought that I am a burden?

I would feel relaxed in company of people.

I would share more about myself and my work with others.

I would feel more confident in my marketing activities.

I would have more fun.

I would offer my services more often.

I would feel like my work is meaningful for people.

 

How would I behave?

I would ask for what I want.

I would feel confident doing my things, without worry that I should go and do something for someone else.

I would just go for what I want.

 

What would my attitude be like?

I would be unapologetic.

I would feel like I deserve what I want.

I would tell people who try to bring me down to fuck off.

I would stop protecting myself from people and their criticism in advance.

I wouldn’t give a fuck about a lot of things.

I would be more honest.

 

(Here is when I get into new experience of self): Now that I don’t carry this burden of being a burden anymore, I feel free. I am able to breath. I feel less responsible for feelings of others. Ahahaha, omg, I see that others can simply ask if they want something from me and I don’t have to guess their wishes in advance. I feel free to do my thing. I feel so much more relaxed and in my body. I feel calm and satisfied with my day.

 

What’s the opposite of feeling like a burden?

I feel like a gift.

I know I am a gift for myself and for others.

I feel confident about myself.

I am gifted.

I enjoy my presence and others enjoy my presence as well.

I love being myself.

 

* * *

 

I hope this is useful for you guys! Let me know.

 

And if you are not on my e-mail list yet, make yourself a favour and get on it.

Hop on it —>>here<<— if you want to receive my updates in English.

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Love,

Anita

Pain of rejection, ouch!

I sent out an e-mail to my e-mail list.

I thought it was pretty good. I provided value + felt proud of myself that I am stepping up in my coaching business and offering people an option to work with me. Which I was in total resistance around, even though I trust in my skills, because I was afraid of people rejecting me.

Half a day later I check my gmail and there was an un-subscribe. Somebody doesn’t like what I am saying.

Most of the people who run their business from an authentic place, will say to you that un-subscribes are good, because this means you are speaking your truth and those who don’t resonate with it, will fall away. And that you should take this as a compliment.

Which I did.

But then I opened that e-mail and when I saw who un-subscribed, ouch, it was like a knife to my heart.

A girl that I know in real life and admire her, because she is really special. She has that quality of inner beauty that shines out through her and gives her a special aura.

I felt hurt.

Thoughts started running through my head.

Did my e-mail suck? Do I suck? 

What does she think of me? Will she speak about me to her friends, how much my e-mails suck?

Ouch, ouch, ouch. 

I felt like crying.

My inner psychologist kicked in.

What this reminds you of? When was the first time you felt rejected? Childhood memories?

Do you really know why she un-subscribed?

“Of course not, there could be more reasons and I cannot really know the real one unless I ask her!!”

How will I behave when I meet her on the street?!

My inner motivator started asking me:

Will you let this stop you? Do not do this again! There are people who need your message, who need your services! Do not repeat that old mistake of yours again, when you are trying to prove your worth to people who don’t want you, focus on those who love you, focus on those that you are here to serve.

Dum dum dum.

I started listening to facebook live that popped up to distract myself.

My dog started attacking me, he wanted to go out.

I put a coat on, to satisfy the demands of my dog. I already had headphones on, so I searched for another video on facebook. Which was really good, because it was about something really interesting to me (coaching related). But one side of me was still drumming the beat of rejected, rejected.

At some point I started focusing on the now. I looked around at the houses in the distance, a bit of fog in the air, field covered with snow.

There was some beauty in it I haven’t noticed before.

Breath. I let it in and started walking back home.

Yesterday I felt totally on fire. So full of love, I was buzzing. On top of that I reconnected with somebody I deeply love and appreciate and it was such a healing and blissful event, through which I felt those last pieces of wall of ice around my heart, which was “protecting” me from rejection, melt away.

And so I realised. I am at that place now. Where my heart is open, so full of love, yet vulnerable.

And that quote I once randomly saw on TV as a kid, when I was flipping through the channels, came up again. It sounds like a cliché, but clichés are clichés, because they are true.

“It’s better to love and be disappointed than to never love at all.”

And so I started feeling grateful.

My heart is open. I feel love. I have beautiful peeps who love me and support me. There are people who need to hear what I have to say. I love and I am loved. There are people who need me to show up, with courage.

And I can turn this into my art, put it out through my writing and share it with people.

And I told that part of myself, that felt rejected, “Hey, I won’t reject you. I love you. Thank you for your loving, open heart. You are a blessing.”

Wisdom bomb: When you reject parts of you, that feel rejected, that’s double rejection. 

And so what felt as rejection, turned into self-love and became inspiration for this post. I hope it’s also inspiring for you! Let me know.

Love you, guys!

 

Anita

 

 

 

 

“Why are you singing all the time?”

My boyfriend: “Why are you singing all the time?” (Humming, actually).
Me: “Because I am happy.”
Him: “It’s the same when you are nervous.”
Me: “That’s because when I am nervous, I am calling my happy with this song and when I am happy I am confirming it.”

That humming has kinda the same melody and it’s not from an actual song. It comes out of me at different times. Sometimes it takes epic dimensions, when I am humming for more than an hour together and crying and releasing and calling back pieces of myself through different time-spaces.

It saved my life a few times.

What do you wish for the world? Give it to yourself.

I realised that sometimes I deprive myself of the things I want because there are others in the world who don’t have as much as I do. I deprive myself even of wanting something in the first place, because it makes me feel greedy. That’ why I wrote this blog post. For all of you who love this planet and wish everyone good but sometimes forget about yourself. This blog post is going to help you come in touch with what you want, how can you give it to yourself and acknowledge where are you already excelling. Which will make you feel good. And you feeling good is important, because this means there’s more people on this planet that feel good.

Let’s dive right in:

  1. Ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in.
  2. Change the word world for me, myself and I 😀 (ignore the link for now, there’s music)
  3. Ask yourself: How can I see this already? 

My example: I wish that world would be a peaceful place where we all honour each other and co-create beautiful things.

-> I wish that I would be in peace with all that I am and that all my roles would honour and respect each other and that all parts of me would create together beautiful things.

How can I see this already?

I can take a look at all of the things that I already created so far. I can look at this post right now and see that idea that I had in my mind went through my body, through my fingers and it’s now on the screen. (Man, I’m crying right now because this is so magical and beautiful. I know it’s such a normal everyday thing but now I can see it with more awareness). 

My example II:

I wish that people would feel safe in their bodies, safe in their homes, safe in their countries, safe on this planet.

-> I wish I would feel safe in my body, safe in my relationships with people, I wish I would feel like part of my country, I wish I would feel this planet is really my home.

How can I see this already?

I can see that my body is beautifully created and it does such a great work for me. I can feel love for my amazing body right now. I am grateful for my beautiful long legs that carry me around through the nature while my eyes are looking at trees and the beautiful plays of light and shadow. I can acknowledge that I am most of the time healthy. I can acknowledge that my body does such a great job of taking the best out of food I eat and let me let go of everything that doesn’t serve me.

I can see how many amazing friends I have. I am grateful that I can trust them. I am grateful for my man and how much he loves me.

I am spreading the good word about my divinely beautiful country called Slovenia. About her green rivers and mystical hills. And the delicious wine from those hills 😉

Every country I visited so far felt like the place I want to visit again, to take it in even better, to fall in love with it even more. So I am pretty good at feeling like the whole world is my home already.

***

Let me know in the comments (or hit the reply if you are receiving this via e-mail) what is your experience with this amazing exercise. If you are at the moment feeling overwhelmed with life, make sure that you sit down and actually write. It will help you, I promise.

 

Love,

Anita

BTW: I am currently in the creation of an epic, simple and crazy fun course that gonna help you bring back your power from all the situations and people you are giving away your magic to and take it back so that you can use it for yourself and what you really really want to create in this world. Sign up here if you want to get to the wait-list and be one of the first bad-asses ever participating in what I believe will become my signature course. 

 

A future me will be proud of me

A future me will be proud of me.

A future me will be grateful to me in this moment.

I woke up with pain in the neck.

I felt a bit sick.

Pain in the neck is still here. I feel a bit less sick as I am typing this.

I made myself a coffee. Turned on computer. Took my dog out to pee.

I meant to stretch my body. I did a bit. While watching livestream from Katrina Ruth, where she talked about not letting your bullshit and drama that is going on around you be bigger than your dreams. I heard her talk about this many times. But today it hit me straight to the heart.

After a livestream I went straight to my Patreon page, edit it a bit and hit publish.

Patreon is a page where all kinds of artists publish their work and people who value their art pay them per creation or monthly fee and this way both sides are happy. Artists get paid and supporters regularly enjoy the work of their favourite artists, because the artist can actually focus on their craft instead of doing the shit that pays the bills and kills their souls.

So, I hit publish.

Went with my dog to school. He loves it so much.

And now I am here, in my grandpa’s kitchen typing this. Grandma is in the hospital, for almost two weeks already. A woman that didn’t go to the doctor for more than 20 years. But now she’s there.

Today is her birthday.

And grandpa is home alone. Well not anymore, ’cause I am here. He has dementia and someone has to be with him most of the time or else he makes something stupid.

My mum is going crazy. Working everyday, going to grandma, then taking care of grandpa. Sometimes I come to grandpa in the morning. Sometimes my uncle or aunt. Often kind neighbors. My mum feels guilty because neighbors are helping. How could she ever pay this back, she asks, with exhausted martyr type voice.

(Grandpa is eating sliced apples now and throwing half of it on the floor for my dog. I guess my dog don’t crave apples at the moment. I asked him (grandpa, not dog) if apples are good. “Good,” he says.)

I was afraid before, that I’m not gonna be able to write this post. Pain in the back, feeling sick, feeling all this mix of emotions because of my family. Wondering if world really need another aspiring writer. And then I read Katrina’s post on not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough, yet still pressing play. And I cried.

And I decided it’s enough. I’m not gonna die with my dreams buried inside of me.

I don’t want voices of my past or voices of others, or daily drama, or whatever be more important that voice of my soul.

And even if I am not confident enough,

even if the voices will still haunt me and tell me I am not good enough and that nobody cares about what I have to say,

that I am too young or that my experiences don’t matter,

I’m gonna show up for me and what I love doing the most.

Writing and talking about all of these things I find important at the moment.

So if you want to join me on that path, I welcome you to visit my Patreon page, subscribe and buy me time for writing for as little as $1/per month or more.

I know it’s gonna be worth it. And I’m gonna go to deeper psychological and philosophical topics there, most of it will available only for Patrons, because as you may noticed, with my writing, I give a lot of personal examples and therefore I don’t always feel comfortable sharing everything with public. Not because I would have something to hide (but I certainly feel this way at moments), but mostly to protect identity of other people.

Imagine that things that I will share for Patrons only will be like things I only share with my soul-mate friends.

Go to patreon.com/anitapuksic  and become a patron.

And I’m going to cook something for my grandpa now (:

P.S.: If you wonder what is going to happen with 3 Ptice, my brand with ecofriendly accessories…I don’t know yet for sure. For now I’m gonna keep it, as one of the income streams, because I still enjoy it and I’m not ready to completely let go of it yet (after putting 5 years of energy in it, it would feel like leaving a relationship). I also really like to paint while listening to educational/business/coaching lessons and podcasts. And when people pay full price for products I am still able to sneak in some writing, so that can be a good support…

Thank you for reading!

Love,

Anita

patreon.com/anitapuksic